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Fear and Loathing in Target

Last night after work I went to Target (Tarjay to you fancy folk). We were out of everything — if I didn’t go last night we were going to have to start rationing toilet paper, or using Kleenex, which we were also almost out of — so the trip was unavoidable.

I love Target. I could spend a day in there if I had time. They have a Starbucks, so I can grab a cappuccino before I wander the aisles checking out the kitchen stuff, the clothes and all the cleaning supplies (whatever, don’t mock). But last night, before I went, I actually made a list and stuck to it. It was an exercise in restraint.

As I made my way through the store, I was starting to sink fast. I haven’t slept well in about a week (which is why I added a 600-pack of Tylenol PM to my list), so I just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could, take a half bottle of sleeping pills and crawl into bed. Fortunately, there weren’t any long lines, and I picked the one I thought would move the fastest.

You see where this is going, don’t you?

I wasn’t paying much attention to what was happening in front of me while I was unloading my cart. It wasn’t until I had everything up on the counter that I realized I was screwed. I was behind THAT woman. You know the one—she questions Every. Single. Item. Look, I get it. Times are tough and money is tight for everyone. I was not happy that I spent $201 last night—and what’s more depressing is, none of it was fun stuff. There were no cute T-shirts or slippers. It was all essentials. But c’mon. Every time the poor girl would scan one of the woman’s items, the woman would stop her, question her, argue with her about whether or not the item was on sale and dig out her Sunday ad for confirmation. It was exhausting. (And before you take her side, you should know that she had a monster Gucci bag, a Rolex and diamond earrings the size of Cheez-Its.)

At one point, when the girl was ringing up a pillow, the woman started pointing out flaws on it and demanded a discount. In Target. On a pillow that was already marked down from $16 to $5. This went on for 20 minutes. And the woman was so proud of herself and her negotiation skills. She kept trying to drag me into this hell, giving me conspiratorial winks, like, “Hey, I’m striking a blow against Big Business here. Go me.” Whatever. I’m thinking, I just want to take my 24-pack of toilet paper and go home.

I thought about packing my crap back into my cart and finding another line, but I was so over it that I didn’t have the energy. So I stood there while the woman re-packed her shit because she wasn’t happy about how the sales clerk “threw everything so carelessly” into the bags. Give me a break. She bought some soap, an ugly pillow, paper towels and a box of Goldfish (low sodium).

She just stood there, holding up the line, chatting with Christine our sales clerk (yes, she read the poor girl’s name tag and repeatedly used her name: “You know, Christine, I think this is on sale,” and “Hey, Christine, isn’t that $1.49 not $1.99. You really should check Christine.”) like they were two BFFs hanging out. At this point, I was about to climb up on the belt and take a nap on my toilet paper and use my paper towels as a blanket. I must have had pure rage on my face because the woman looked up to say something to me, saw my face, stopped mid-sentence, grabbed her crap and ran out the door.

Christine apologized profusely and she couldn’t not get me out of there fast enough.

I will never go to Target after work again. I’d rather fight the Saturday crowds. They’re cranky, they’re pushy, but they get their shit and they get the fuck out as fast as they can.


5 Responses

  1. Haha! People these days. i love it 🙂
    I had a similar experience, I kind of just sunk into the shadows and wait to be awoken by someone’s enraged screaming.


  2. You say you’ll never go after work again now. But Target? It beckons. It calls to your soul. And when you get the hankering again…you’ll go regardless the time! I know you. 😉

    Hey. I think I met that woman at Daphne’s last week. Before she ordered? She questioned the exact ingredients and cooking methods of EVERY SINGLE MENU ITEM. While my to go order sat on the counter getting cold.

  3. Actually, I don’t mind going at lunch sometimes. People go in, they get out and no one gets hurt.

  4. I *heart* Target. (sigh) I wonder if it has a cute single brother?

  5. I think that woman stands at the front doors of Target waiting for any of us as we come in and times it to be in our lines every time.

    I hate her…which would lead me to refer you to Lesley’s blog about self checkout 🙂


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