Fast Cars, Soccer Moms and Dumb Blondes

Remember that Missing Persons song—”Nobody Walks In L.A.”? It’s so true and it’s a shame because there are too many drivers in L.A. And worse? Our surface streets and freeways are full of douche bag drivers. And I gotta tell ya, I’m sick and tired of taking my life into my hands every time I get in my car.

This morning on my way to work, as I was getting on the freeway on-ramp, I looked in my rear view mirror to see a corvette about a half inch off my bumper. He wasn’t even paying attention to me because he was wildly gesticulating and motherfucking the guy in the van next to him, who is yelling right back. I don’t know what lead up to that and frankly, I don’t give a shit. But I do care about the fact that this continued all the way down the on-ramp until the van cut me off so he could chase down the corvette, totally running me off the road. I was almost pushed up the hillside along the freeway. Of course, neither one of the douche bags slowed down and I doubt they even noticed.

That was Harrowing Experience Number 1 today.

Harrowing Experience Number 2 occurred on my way home from work. I was in a double left-hand turn lane in the right-side turn lane, patiently waiting to for the light to change. I was at a complete stop as was all the traffic in front of me. The light was red. Meanwhile, a total blonde ditz (Full Disclosure: I’m blonde, but not stupid) in a huge Hummer barreled down on me at full speed. Once she got her head out of her ass she realized she miscalculated the distance she was going to need to brake in time. She did one of those deals where she turned the steering wheel left and right trying to determine which direction would offer the least amount of damage. At THE very last second she decided to go to the left of me. But had I not scooted up and moved into the traffic lane to my right, I would not be able to type this post. She would have totally taken out the back end of my car.

I’ve noticed crap like this happening a lot. It’s like all of L.A. needs to go back to driver’s ed. Basic rules, like keeping a safe distance between cars (get off my bumper, dude), and making sure you have enough room to switch lanes, and even just turning on your God-damned turn signal just don’t exist. This area is full of soccer mom types who drive these massive Suburbans and Hummers even though they can’t steer them in a straight line or pull into ONE parking space, never mind knowing how to stop the damn thing.

We have an Avalanche, which is almost as big as a Suburban, and when I drive it, I’m aware of my surroundings. I have good spacial relationships, so I know how to stay in my own lane. I understand basic physics, so I know that it’s going to take me a little longer to stop a massive truck. I’m not a crappy driver. I don’t drive like an old lady and I’m not timid. I’m actually a little aggressive behind the wheel, but not to the point that I put myself or anyone else in danger.

If we had to actually do a driver’s test every time we had to renew our driver’s licenses, I bet there would be fewer drivers on the road.

L.A. drivers suck.