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Would You Like Fries With Your Crow?

I have to eat some crow this morning. Yesterday, I wrote a post that hurt a good friend of mine. And that was the complete opposite of what my intentions were.

We are in the middle of a renovation at home. It’s total chaos. I spend my days and nights moving the shit in our house from one side to the other and back again. This week it’s for the painters. Last week it was for the dry wall guy, before that, it was to have the asbestos crap scraped off our ceilings. I’ve had to start emptying our kitchen cabinets because we’re having some new cabinets put in and others refaced.

So WTF does this have to do with my post yesterday? Bear with me here.

I don’t do well with chaos. I like neat and orderly. It’s the Virgo in me. I drive Bill nuts because I’ll do things like vacuum the house at 11:00 p.m. So the chaos at home is throwing me off. There’s also a lot going on in other areas of my life and it’s causing some chaos in my brain. Like my home, I’m moving crap back and forth in my brain. There’s a lot of junk rattling around up there and I’m analyzing everything, wondering if I put it in the Keep, Throw Out or Donate pile. In other words, I’m over-thinking everything. And it’s distracting me. It’s distracting me at work, with friends and with my husband. Last weekend I wrote about being restless and I’m sure this is what’s causing it. I can’t focus on any one thing for long—the thoughts in my head are all jumping up and down demanding immediate attention.

I’m still getting to my point…

Yesterday, as I was finishing my post on friendship, I was in a very involved conversation with my friend about everything from a situation that’s occurring at my old job (her current place of employment), to depression, to dealing with problems (or not), to friendship. All those topics were tied together. It was—I thought—I good conversation. One that I was fully engaged in.

However, near the end of the conversation, as I was about to read my post one last time and publish it, I accidentally deleted it. I scrambled to recover what I could and to finish writing while I had it fresh in my mind. But once again, I was sidetracked—with her and with the post. I never really fleshed the thought I was trying to convey and it fell flat. Worse, I sort of threw in as an afterthought that while I was writing this great big ode to friendship my “real life” friend was disappointed in me because she didn’t feel as though I was engaged. And then I hit “publish.”

Personally, I did find it ironic and a little funny. Not at her expense. At my own. I’m clearly not seen by others as I feel I portray myself. In other words, here I am patting myself on the back for being  a good friend, for opening myself up to new friendships, when in reality, I’m really not behaving as a good friend would.

And then I joke about it.

Which is what I do when I’m uncomfortable dealing with the issue at hand. I wield my humor, my sarcasm, my SNARK, as my armor. I use it to protect myself when I’m not quite ready or unable to deal with the serious issues in front of me. But what to me is protection, comes across as cold and unfeeling to others. It shuts people out.

My friendships—in real life or in cyberspace—are important to me. They tether me to this earth. They keep me grounded. I would never hurt those intentionally.

So I apologize to her. I apologize for making it appear that I wasn’t listening, for making it seem as though I wasn’t giving her my full attention. For joking about the situation online (this is when I’m happy I only have 3 readers!) She was actually reaching out to me for something. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t trying to do shut her out or shut her down. All that matters is that she feels that’s what happened.

I’m sorry.

Now I’m going to slather my crow with mayo and mustard so I can choke it down! (We’re not even going to touch on how hard apologies are for me!)

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