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Driving Without Coffee

I’m not a morning person. Never have been. Never will be. My husband’s favorite saying is that I am “the most wonderful woman in the world. After 10 a.m.” I’m okay with that. It’s true. I’m not (usually) mean. Just don’t talk to me. Let me ease into things.  I need time to wake up and embrace the day.

But I cope. I manage to (sort of) function.

Some mornings, though, really test my patience. Take this morning for example.

First of all, I was wide awake at 5:19 a.m. For no reason. That’s a good 90 minutes before I actually needed to be up. I’ve been deep-down-to-the-bones exhausted lately, so even walking up one minute before my alarm goes off pisses me off. I tried to go back to sleep, but I finally gave up at 6:00 and started to get ready.

Ninety minutes of sleep lost. This put me at a deficit for my daily coping skills.

I finally manage to get out of the house (everything moved s-l-o-w-l-y this morning) and went on my way to Starbucks. I was at the corner of our street waiting to pull out but I had to wait for the Suburban that, upon seeing me, slowed down to about 1.2 mph. She was close enough that if I pulled out in front of her I’d be a bitch but just slow enough that I had to wait for what felt like an eternity.

About 16 hours later (really, it was like 5 minutes) I pulled into to the Starbucks parking lot and could feel the tension leaving my shoulders in anticipation of my morning Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (add a shot today, please). (Picture angels singing!)  While I was in line, a woman walked in behind me with the most shrill voice I’ve ever heard (imagine injured cats screwing), practically SCREAMING into her cell phone because she wasn’t sure she was shrill enough. Now, I don’t expect my coffee house to be as silent at a freakin’ library in the morning, but there should be RULES. Rules like Don’t Stand Behind Me And Scream Into Your Cell Phone About Your Fucking Bladder Infection. Especially when I HAVEN’T HAD MY COFFEE YET.

Another rule should be, don’t interfere with me trying to order my coffee. That bladder-infection-having-caterwauling yowler was talking so loud that the barista asked me to repeat my order four times. Up until then I had managed to control every fiber of my being to stop myself from ripping the phone out of her hand, shoving it down her throat and throwing her through the plate glass window. (I’m really NOT violent. I swear.) But, coffee-less and thus powerless, I couldn’t stop myself from turning around and politely asking her to take her entirely too personal phone call outside so the barista could hear well enough to take my order. (I don’t think it came out as, “Would you shut the fuck up!”) At this, she tells the poor person on the other end of the phone that she had to go, snapped her phone shut, rolls her eyes and lets out a big fat sigh. Really? Was it really too much to ask of you to keep your dirty little details to yourself??

Fortunately, they know me in there, got my drink made quickly and I was on my way.

I got situated in my car and started to put it in reverse and made one last check before backing out. Thank God I did. There were two totally clueless women standing 2 inches off the back of my bumper yammering away, not paying attention to shit. I tried to be polite and give them a minute, but they had no intention of moving. I tapped on my horn to get their attention and they didn’t even look. At this point, I feel it’s fair game to back up and nudge them with my bumper, don’t you? But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t want my insurance to go up. I did get out of the car, and asked if they wouldn’t mind moving their conversation to the sidewalk. Both sighed, rolled their eyes at each other and moved.

Now, I know I’m not a morning person. I know I hadn’t had enough coffee yet, but really…Am I unreasonable?


7 Responses

  1. OMG…caterwauling…I have not heard that word in ages and I missed it! I’m going to use it three times in a sentence today so I don’t forget it again.
    But really…a bladder infection? Who complains about that in public. Please stay away from her if she develops a yeast infection, coffee or no, that is just way too much TMI in the morning!

  2. Not unreasonable at all. This is my favorite:

    “bladder-infection-having-caterwauling yowler”

    Honestly? That. is. AWESOME.

  3. What Maggie said! Although, honestly? I don’t even know WTF “caterwauling” means. Which maybe makes it that much more awesome because I can apply my own meaning(s).

    I’m sorry I missed this whole thing! I’m drinking my vanilla SB latte right now. Only no one around me has any kind of bladder infection, yeast, infection, etc. while I am.

    All alone in my office.

    Alone with my coffee and Mo’s awesome post.


  4. lol – OMG – unreasonable? No.

    You were quite patient, and KIND. I can’t believe they rolled their eyes at you – what a morning!

  5. I LOVE mornings!! But I wouldn’t love mornings either if I had to line up at some geschtankener coffee joint for part of my breakfast and spend who knows how long in traffic and deal with a lot of retarded people. i always get up at 5:00, do some yoga have a soothing shower, sit for a relaxing, nutritious breakfast and read the paper, get dressed and go out and suck in some air. Then I’ll either walk all the way to work or part of the way, getting in a good hour before everyone else so I can ease into the day.

  6. XUP: Now how come it sounds nice and relaxing when you put it that way? When I get up at 5:00 I can barely function. Yoga? Forget it. Breakfast at home? Um, nope. Not gonna happen. I am on a tightly choreographed schedule (I lurve me some sleep) and getting out the door becomes an Olympic event each morning.

    I wish L.A. was more consistent with the public transportation. I would take it every day if it actually went anywhere. When I grew up outside of San Francisco, I took the bus or BART everywhere. I was rested and relaxed (and I got a hell of a lot of reading done).

  7. You had me laughing. In the mornings I want everyone to just keep it down!!! I do not want to talk to anyone until I’ve had at least 8 oz of coffee. The latest thing to get on my last nerve is our house guest opening and closing doors…why can’t she just turn the handle so there isn’t a noisy slam? Good greif. And another thing….giggling in the morning. She is a lovely person and I just want to slap her. EVERYONE just be quiet and stop talking to me.

    Also, people act as if no one else in the world can hear their conversations when they are chatting on their cell phones. Good Grief.

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