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I’m Exhausted

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

This is what was going on in my head last night when I was laying in bed, desperately trying to sleep. With no luck.

I was trying to tell my head to shut up, to stop thinking, to stop buzzing and just rest.

I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular—I’m not stressed, there’s nothing major going on that would keep me up at night—I was just obsessed with the fact that I needed to sleep and couldn’t. There was a whole dialogue in my head about not sleeping. At one point I started to compose a blog post about it in my head. Then I thought, Maybe I’ll get up and write it now. But that would be dumb because then I really wouldn’t be sleeping. That’ll just get me wired. I’d rather be sleeping instead of writing a blog post about not sleeping. (Yes, my head is a strange place sometimes.)

For the past two nights I haven’t slept at all. The most I’ve been able to do is drift off into that weird state of not being asleep but not fully awake either. And I can’t function when I don’t get a full night’s sleep every night. I get cranky (okay, crankier), I get (more) irritable and a little punchy. That filter from my brain to my mouth seems to disappear when I haven’t slept and I say whatever I’m thinking whether I should or not. And I get clumsy—tripping over my own feet and bumping into walls and doors.

It might be all the hot wind we’ve been getting that’s keeping me up at night. It does make me a little crazy I think, but even when I closed the window and turned on the air conditioning (it’s like 80 degrees in the middle of the night) I couldn’t sleep. Last night I took a Tylenol PM at 9:30 and figured I’d go to sleep when Lost was over a half hour later. But at 10:00 p.m. I was still wide awake. I thought reading for a little while might help, but I’m not one of those people who reads at night to fall asleep. I’m generally engaged in what I’m reading so it keeps me up.

At about 11:00 p.m. I closed my book and turned off the light and got under the covers. And I stared at the ceiling. However, at about 11:15 my entire body went totally limp and numb from the Tylenol. Everything was dead. Except my head. I couldn’t move. But I could think. I could think about how much I wanted to sleep but couldn’t.

I tossed and turned and flipped and adjusted pillows and blankets (too hot, too cold), got up to pee, went back to bed, tossed and turned some more, let the dog out, tossed and turned, swapped pillows, let the dog in, pulled on extra blankets, kicked them off, kicked Bill a few times because he dared to sleep (and snore), sat up and contemplated the hell I was in, wondered if I should take a shot a NyQuil, worried that it would counteract the Tylenol, fumed, turned, flipped and tossed.

Finally at about 5:00 a.m. I think I dozed off. But I woke up again when I heard Bill leaving at about 6:00. And then my alarm went off at 7:00 a.m.

I am so tired. Full-on, deep in my bones, eyes are burning, my hair hurts tired.

So sleepy…


6 Responses

  1. About the hot wind: sorry about that, I think it’s the refried beans.

  2. Scary that was me too the last couple nights – The DAMN wind is making me crazy – I to am a 661’er and totally relate to what you felt!! A glass of wine before bed helps!!

  3. I’ve had exactly the same problem the last couple of nights and I don’t usually have too much trouble sleeping and I don’t even have hot winds as an excuse.Way back when I used to have trouble falling asleep I would count backwards from 1000 in German. It never failed to knock me out before I even got to the 600’s. But then I got really good at it and it doesn’t work anymore.

  4. My brother, when his wife had breast cancer the first time (she’s a survivor) stopped sleeping. He told me that he had learned to lay there, eyes closed, muscles relaxed and COUNT IT AS SLEEP. He learned that he could manage without it.

    I keep that in my noggin when I can’t sleep. But I take a Benedryl EVERY night, sometimes even two, and it works! Heard about it from other menopausal women (not you yet!) that drink.

  5. I hate nights like that. I really wish we had a switch to turn off our thoughts. Hope you’re resting better this weekend!

    • Fortunately, I slaved like, well, a slave this weekend and am so exhausted that I have collapsed in bed at the end of the day.

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