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Living As If

My head is full. I have so much clanging around in there that I can’t sort it all out yet. My thoughts are a cacophonous symphony of doubt, fear, insecurity, failure and even a little excitement.

I think I’m still sweating out my job situation. I say think, because really? I’m not so sure. We had a talk a couple of weeks ago that led me to believe I needed to come up with Plan B (which I’ve been working on), but then the last week or so has been “fine.” At least as fine as things can be when you go in every day sick to your stomach, wondering if this is the day or the week that you will be laid off. In the midst of all of the turmoil I have to go in with my attitude in check, hoping for the best and trying not to cause the worst (you know me and my mouth!). I’ve been busy, and I’ve been trusted to go out and meet clients and potential clients, so I’m hopeful.

Hopeful but unsure.

I don’t know what the trigger will be.

The unknown is all encompassing. I know there really isn’t a whole lot I can do about it, but it’s my nature, my curse to consider, to disect every possible outcome. Ad infinitum. I live in my head more often than I should admit, and I’m forever imagining scenarios that may or may not happen. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in the grocery store tonight I caught myself talking to myself. Out loud. I looked around to see if anyone heard. Fortunately, no one was around. Either that or they ran from The Crazy Lady in Aisle 4. I’m sure Bill and Lesley are sick of my non sequiturs when we talk. I manage to bring everything we talk about around to me. And my DRAMA. And how I FEEL.

So blogging has been a little light around here because I’ve hesitated to write about it in much detail. But it’s the elephant in my room. And it seems to have stopped me in my tracks.

And it bums me out because Friday is the one year anniversary of this blog. This little blog that has kept me going through some other less than stellar situations over the past year. This little blog that has allowed me to meet so many amazing, supportive people. This little blog that entertains me endlessly. I want to celebrate a bit. I was planning a Snarktacular celebration. Or at least write a post to acknowledge it. To do that I have to beat the funk.

So I’m trying to brush off the feeling of having a guillotine poised over me. And I’m trying to just live As If.

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4 Responses

  1. Dude. Keeping up with your non sequiturs is totally what’s going to ward off Alzheimer’s in my old age. On account of you’re keeping my brain NIMBLE!

    OKAYNOTREALLY. You’re NOT non sequituring and we are talking about me just plenty. You are too hard on yourself. Always too hard on yourself. xoxoxox Anyways, I love your DRAMA and how you FEEL.

    What kind of gift does one give for a one year blog anniversary?!?!

  2. Happy anniversary!

    For a gift, well, you can really never go wrong with gin. (Consider this a chit for a drink the next time you’re in NYC.)

    And as for hyperventilating about, oh, one’s future:
    1. Breathe.
    2. Look at previous post.
    3. Grab on to subject of previous post and pet her until all you can think about is her. This will help with #1.

  3. Mo dahling, Do we define ourselves by our jobs or our creative outlets? Well, when it’s all about ME, it’s not the job. (Unless my employer is reading this – sorry!)

    So, I would bet booze will come into play later tonight, lifting your mood, and you’ll go hear Helen sing, end up in Hollywood…or over here as John and Sandi are coming and we WILL have something stellar to open to celebrate your one year – so far – of amazing creativity! (We’d love to have you…any chance???)

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