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In Which I Complain About Being a Magnet for Assholes

Last night Bill and I went to see KÀ at the MGM Grand. I can’t even begin to tell you what the story was supposed to be but here’s what the website says: “KÀ the unprecedented, gravity-defying production by Cirque du Soleil takes adventure to an all new level. Be awed by a theatrical landscape, as an entire empire appears on KÀ colossal dynamic stage and a captivating display of aerial acrobatics envelops the audience.”

Story-schmory. I don’t care what it was supposed be about because the production was amazing. This floating stage twists horizontally and vertically, sprouts poles for performers to climb, and is covered with ‘sand’ (cork) for actors to hide within. It’s unlike any of their other shows—although it does have the Cirque’s trademark acrobatics.

Tickets to Cirque shows are never cheap, but we had what would have been perfect seats (insert ominous music here).

We sat down about 10 minutes before the show started and the two women sitting to my right were deep into a conversation about husbands, sex, drinking, and god only knows what else. Normally, it wouldn’t have bothered me too much but Cirque du Soleil usually does a little show before the show while they’re waiting for everyone to grab their seats. These women were so loud you could hear them over the music.

Since the show hadn’t really started yet, I tried to relax and tune them out.

The house lights when down and the show started and the two women were still talking, only now they were practically shouting to hear themselves over the live band and what little dialogue there is.

I tried to ignore it and figured they were just wrapping up their conversation, but after 10 minutes I was so annoyed I couldn’t enjoy the show. In fact, I was pissed.

I leaned over and tried to politely ask them to keep it down, but they either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me.

Wanna really piss me off? Talk so loud that you can’t hear anyone telling you to shut up.

I waited a minute and tried again. I know they heard me this time because they both kept stealing furtive glances my way and continued to talk.

I finally had enough.

I leaned over, tried to ask nicely again if they’d mind keeping it down, and they kept talking. Meanwhile everyone around them was shooting daggers their way but they were so engrossed in their conversation they didn’t even notice. The only time they interrupted their steady banter was to comment on the hottness one of the acrobats or to cheer and wolf call at totally inappropriate times.

I leaned in one more time, tapped the arm of the chick next to me, got in her face and asked, “Seriously? Are you going to talk through the entire show?” I told them that we paid a lot of money to see the show—not listen to them. The second woman leaned over the woman next to me, told me chill out, and said they were just trying to have a good time and enjoy the show. I leaned back in and told her that we were also trying to enjoy the show, and if they wanted to catch up and talk about their sex lives, they should have saved themselves the $15o and gone to a bar instead.

They both glared at me and it got quiet for a second. Until the stage whispering started.

A couple of minutes later, the second woman got up to go to the bathroom. We were dead center in the row, and she had a choice to make. She could sneak out one way, or she could come our way and climb over us.

Guess which one she chose?

As she’s tripping all over my feet trying to get out, she leans down and practically sits in my lap, puts her face in mine, and says “(hiccup) Miss Meanie, weeeeeeeee’re jushhh trying to have some fun, okay? (hiccup*) And you’re jusssssshhhhhhh, you’re mean. I’ll refund (hiccup) your ticket since you’re so mean.”

I shoved her off of me, and tell her to shut the fuck up and get off of me.

When she came back with her vat of alcohol she crawled back in the other end of the row and the two were fairly quiet for the rest of the show. Occasionally, the drama of the show would be punctuated with the random “Woooooo-hooo!” and the slurping of a straw in a nearly empty drink. Sluuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp.

When the show ended and everyone stood up for an ovation, the two women sat slumped in their seats, totally trying to to sober up enough to leave. Bill moved me in front on him to keep me from getting into it with them on the way out of the theater.

I don’t know what it is about me. I don’t seek out confrontation, but if there’s an obnoxious drunk or a person who’s going to chat through an entire movie or performance, they find me, they sit next to me, they cut in front of me in line. I’m like a magnet for crap like that.

I need to find a way to demagnetize.

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3 Responses

  1. I must have the same type of obnoxious drunk magnet you do. I am always seated next to, behind, or in front of either the drunk idiots or the old person who complains about how tall I am (I’m only 5’9″ for the record, have flat hair, and don’t wear heels). Every single concert or show I go to I always have some issue with the people near me. I hate confrontation so I try to ignore it but then it just gets worse. Can it please be legal to slap stupid people?

  2. Good for you. I’ve not been to Vegas, but I hear those shows are phenomenal and expensive. Having those two skanks beside me would have pissed me off too.

  3. You know, I think it might possibly be my fault. Because I’m entertained by your stories of obnoxiousness, I keep hoping you’ll have something happen and then blog about it for my lulz.

    Also? This kind of stuff is why I keep thinking agoraphobia maybe isn’t so bad.

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