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Boobies, Horny Dogs and Patrick Swazye (And, No, None of These Things Have Anything To Do With Each Other). Just Another Random Tuesday

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Lazy Blogger

I haven’t written much lately. It’s not that I don’t have stories to tell, things to say or rants to make. I have plenty to say, I just don’t haven the energy to focus and write. Which stinks because it’s a good way for me to relieve stress and blow off some steam.

But I’m so tired. I’m worn down. I feel like hibernating—and it’s only mid-September. I feel so lazy that the simplest, most basic tasks seem exhausting. I did a few loads of laundry Sunday afternoon and it sucked every bit of life out of me. I don’t think it’s the seasonal change—I am so happy that it’s starting to cool off a bit and I can break out some sweaters and my beloved boots—I think life is catching up to me. I had a vacation (that I still haven’t written about. What’s the statue of limitations for that?), my birthday, my anniversary, dog shows and work. Plus, all the little stuff that adds up to long and busy days. I hope whatever this is stops and life gets back to normal.

Mondays are for Mammograms

If you’re feeling particularly sadistic, make sure your schedule your mammogram the week you have your period. I had my first mammogram at 35. Since I’m adopted and don’t have a medical history, they wanted to establish a baseline to check against. Now that I’m 40, I guess I have to do this every year. I had my appointment yesterday—the day before my period started. I made my appointment months ago and didn’t realize I scheduled it when I was going to be on vacation, so I pushed it a couple of weeks without really paying attention to the calendar.

It takes the pain and magnifies it a million times. It’s bad enough the tech has to grab what little boobage I have and wrestle it into this machine to smash it into a pancake, when they’re already sore and swollen (I apologize to my male readers for the visual!) it’s like having vice grip attached to your tatas while someone cranks it tighter and tighter until tears spring from your eyes, your boob feels like it’s burning and you’re just about to cry “Uncle!” when the machine mercifully released your bruised and battered boobie. Repeatedly. (Bill’s thinking, “Shit, she’s never going to let me near THOSE again!”)

“Bitch in Heat!”

I went to my first dog show a couple of years ago. When I got Gracie, they told me I was required to show the little diva, and although it sounded fun and I watched the Westminster Dog Show on TV, I had never actually BEEN to one. So I begged and bribed asked Lesley to come with me, and we drove to the middle of nowhere (or close to it) to meet Gracie’s handler (who also owns Gracie’s Baby Daddy) at a dog show. I realized quickly that it was not going to be as easy (or as inexpensive) as promised, but I was willing to give it the old college try.

A couple of weeks before Gracie started showing. I met Gracie’s handler again at another show so I could see what this was really going to entail. I wanted to talk to her about how I needed to groom Gracie beforehand. I also wanted to watch everything from how they get the dogs ready to go into the ring, to how the judges look them over, to how people behave (Did you know that Rottweiler owners are big into clapping and cheering for every single dog while Samoyed owners think it’s not appropriate to applaud until the very end? File that under Weird Shit You Never Wanted To Know.)

Bitch in Heat!

Bitch in Heat!

So the Sammys are getting ready to show, and Gracie’s handler has me walk one of the male dogs to the ring for her. As I’m taking this dog over, a woman is dashing through the crowd with her German Shepherd, sees the obviously male dog I’m walking and starts bellowing, “Bitch in Heat! Bitch in Heat!” At first I wasn’t sure if she was talking about herself or her dog. But I realized she thought the boy at the end of my leash was ready to break free and start humping her little bitch. I was stunned. I looked around to see if anyone else thought this was strange, but no one blinked an eye.

Gracie has a show this weekend and she’s in heat. If we’re lucky, this will be her last one (show, not monthly visitor). She only has two more points before she becomes CHAMPION Gracie, so I think I’m going to go out with a bang (pun intended). I’m going to bring a bunch of bodyguards to surround my precious baby to make sure no rouge dogs knock her up. And I’m going to walk her through the crowds and announce “Bitch in Heat!” With a bullhorn.

Maybe that should be my new tagline?

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Although it’s not unexpected, I’m still sad that Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. Dirty Dancing is one of my all-time favorite movies. I love those Saturday afternoons when I don’t have anything to do and find it on TV. I will stop and watch. Every. Single. Time.

One of the best movie lines ever...

One of the best movie lines ever...

For more random reading today, check out Keely at the UnMom.

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Happy 1st Blogoversary

Today is the 1-year anniversary of my blog.

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The Daily Snark is 1 today!

I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I could spew all the cliches about time flying, and it seeming like yesterday. But I won’t—even though they’d all be true.

I started The Daily Snark because I needed a creative outlet. I wanted—scratch that—I desperately needed a place to go that was my own. A place where I could be my sarcastic self. A place where I could get back into the habit of writing. And where I could write whatever I wanted.

When I started the blog, I had exactly one reader, my real-life friend Lesley from Um…What?? For a couple of weeks she was literally the only person who’d click over to read what I wrote, no matter how lame, how mundane. She was my biggest cheerleader. I think she even paid her mom to click over occasionally so it looked like I actually had some readers. Then I picked up a few readers from the WordPress.com home page. I was giddy over getting a couple of hits a day. And then I’d get a few more. And I’d think, Damn, this is awesome. I am the shit. I was all, “Dooce, you’d better watch your back. There’s a new blogger in town.”

Snort. Um, yeah.

About a month or so after I started this blog, I finally told my husband. He’s very private and I wasn’t sure he’d be thrilled that I was spewing our personal life all over the interwebs so I didn’t tell him at first. I’d furtively type away when I could get a few minutes, and he never wondered why I suddenly became so interested in my laptop. But one night in the middle of our vacation I was feeling no pain from all the rum punch we were drinking in the Cayman Islands. As we sat at the bar on the dock of our resort and suddenly I was all:  Soguesswhat?IhaveablogandIactuallyhavereadersandeverything!

Once I explained what a blog was and how much fun I was having writing again (and promised not to write about our sex life or any other super personal details), he was very supportive of it. In fact, he told just about everyone he knew.

Over the past year, like every other blogger out there, I’ve struggled with the To Blog or Not To Blog dilemma, I’ve been obsessed with blog stats, stressed about not posting regularly enough. I try to remember that this is supposed to be fun. Sometimes it is. Other times, it’s a struggle. But I love that I have this place to come to write about whatever’s on my mind, no matter how random, how snarky or how serious. And I appreciate every single one of you who come by here.

Here are a few highlights from the last year:

1. Neil Diamond may have nearly ruined my marriage, but he brought me a crap load of readers. This most gets a ridiculous amount of Google searches, nearly a year after I wrote it.

2. After posting about my Bejeweled Blitz addiction, I realized I’m not alone. Millions of you out there need an intervention as well. I get about 50 hits a day on this post alone.

3. I think this post about Costco is one of my favorites. If you’ve ever been, you know why. If  you haven’t, I’ve probably scared you away.

Coolest Words—EVAH!

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Granted, she promised to follow anyone who followed her, but whatever. Minor details.

Can You Help A Blocked Blogger Out?

Posting has been a little light around here lately. I think I’m suffering from a substantial case of writer’s block. I hope it’s acute and not chronic, but it’s definitely put a cramp in my blog style.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve started at least a half-dozen posts but end up just saving them in my drafts folder. When I read back what I’ve managed to type out, I’m not sure any of it will see the light of day. I’ve deleted a few; edited others, but nothing is moving me to hit “Publish.”

It’s not like I don’t have anything to say. I’ve got plenty on my mind. But I just can’t seem to organize the words into coherent–and complete—thoughts.

It’s a sad state of affairs over here in Snarkville.

So I need your help. I’m going to be a little lazy and ask for some suggestions. Will you throw some random topics my way to get me writing? Or ask me a question. I need an “assignment” to get me rolling again.

Pretty please?

Blogtacular!

I haven’t been blogging that long. And I haven’t been reading blogs for much longer. There were a couple that I hit regularly (like this and this) because they were written by book authors I liked, so I’d check in to see when their next books were coming out.

However, a few months ago, I came across one that really resonated with me. I’m not sure how I found her, but she is such an amazing storyteller, twisting words and sentences together to create moods and elicit strong emotional reactions. Each post is like a short story, perfect, complete. Her blog is one of the reasons I wanted to start one. I read hers and thought, “Damn, I want to do that.” (Note, I did not say I could do that!)

Not long after I found her blog (in fact, one month later), she decided to stop blogging. Fortunately, about a month after that, she couldn’t stay away and decided to move her blog and continue on. I was so happy when I saw her Tweet about starting up again. Her writing is inspirational to me. You just have to read this
to know what I’m talking about.

I know I’m sort of gushing here, but seriously, if you get a minute, surf over to Okay, Fine, Dammit and check out Maggie’s blog.

Damn it.

Premature Ejacublogging®

My tagline is Drink More Coffee, Do Stupid Things Faster. It’s appropriate because I can be pretty impulsive sometimes. I act then I think. Which is odd because I’m a Virgo and we’re usually anything BUT impulsive. But I’m on the Leo cusp, so maybe that’s where it comes from. (No, I’m not New Age-y Zen Chick—I couldn’t be more opposite, but I do find astrology fascinating.)

At any rate, I’ve recently noticed a pattern to my blogging. I’ll have a couple of ideas, type them up and post them quickly. Sometimes I’ll go a couple of day without writing. And then—bam!—I’ll write three posts in 24 hours. It’s the total opposite of how I write for freelance assignments. I’m a muller. I will think forever about what I want to say and how I want to say it. Bill calls it procrastinating. But when I sit down to actually write, I usually have it figured out.

But blogging is different. There’s an instant gratification that you don’t normally get from regular writing. “I have a thought! Everyone must know about it NOW!” Often I go back and re-read posts and wish I took even a few more minutes to look them over before they went up. I know I can edit them after the fact, but if someone happens to subscribe, they get notified 652 times.

So I’ve come up with a new term—Premature Ejacublogging®. I think I’m going to trademark it!

I’ll just tag my crazier posts with this, so you know whether or not you should waste your time! Or get a good laugh. Or wonder what I’m smoking.

What do you think?

The Write Stuff

I’ve spent the better part of my career dealing with words. But the bulk of my time has been crafting other people’s words. As a magazine editor I’ve helped writers shape their stories and find and hone their voices while maintaining the integrity and voice of the magazines they’re writing for.

A few months ago I read an article about editors who write vs. editors who just edit. I fell under the latter category. There are benefits for working with both types of editors, but that depends on what kind of writer you are. Personally, I like working for editors who don’t write all the time because they don’t feel compelled to rewrite every line you put to paper for the sake of putting their stamp on things.

I think I was a good editor, but I’ve recently realized I have a hard time being objective with my own writing. What’s the phrase? “Writer, Edit Thyself?” I’ve been re-reading a few of my posts, and I can only see what I should have edited, what I’d like to re-write, word choices I’d change and topics I wished that I had followed a different train of thought on. I hate looking at something I posted a month ago and finally coming up with The. Perfect. Line. Damn. It’s the same feeling you get when someone insults you and you craft the perfect comeback—three days later.

I thought about going back and rewriting/editing a few things, but I’ve decided to leave them because I hope to be able to look back in a year and see how much my writing has improved. (And, I just learned that if someone subscribes to me, they get notified when I go back to edit a post 672 times! Thanks for the head’s up, Debra!)

I’m a work in progress right now. This is the first time in years that I’ve made an effort to write almost every day. I was so busy assigning to other writers and managing the day-to-day stuff, that I didn’t have the time or energy to tell my own stories. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m finally learning to write and learning to become a better storyteller. This blog is like my crash course, my Writing 101 homework. I’m very lucky to have a couple of good editors (Lesley and Bill) who give me fairly objective criticism. But I’m just starting to find my voice. I’m just figuring out what I want to write about and how I want to say it. I’m trying to stop editing my personality out an am working on getting the voices of other bloggers out of my head as I write. And I’m trying not to worry what people will thing about it.

I appreciate everyone who surfs over here every day to see what inane thing I’ve posted. (I’m so amazed that anyone other than Bill, Lesley and Chris ever checks in here.) And I love your comments (so far no one has been mean!). I hope you all stick with me while I work this out.

(Wouldn’t it be cool to say that you read me when?!)

Oh, wait. That’s MY fantasy!