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My Craptastic New Year’s Eve…

See this dog toy?

zw800_150x150Gracie had one just like this. Until today. They’re usually pretty indestructible, but Gracie can destroy any toy in record time. This one lasted about two weeks.

For the last week or so she’s been working hard on this thing, untying the knot and shredding the rope. When she starts tearing things apart I usually take them away because left to her own devices, she’ll eat anything. She’s like a great white shark that way. I’m convinced that some day she’s going to crap out a license plate or a tire. When I pick up after her in the yard, I will usually find some brightly colored pooh—a toy she’s shredded, a teddy bear she’s eaten, a piece of paper. She’s a garbage gut. I’ve been sick for the last week so I haven’t been paying as close attention as I usually would. I was just so grateful that she was entertained while I was sleeping all day. But it still didn’t occur to me that she might actually eat the pieces that made up the rope.

Fast forward to this evening.

All was quiet around the Snark household. I was hanging out, watching some TV, trying to stay awake to watch the ball drop. Gracie needed to be let out into the backyard, and I didn’t see her for a while, but then I heard a yelp. I peeked out the window and saw her squatting, grunting and looking at her butt. Nothing was coming out, so she moved to a different part of the yard. She’d squat some more, grunt and look at her butt. This went on a few times until, she squatted, grunted, yelped and started spinning in circles.

That’s when I saw it. Something was hanging from her butt. She’s a long-haired dog so it’s not unusual for stuff to get caught back there once in a while, but this thing was long, and thick and swinging. At first I thought she must have eaten a ton of grass (not unusual) but when I walked outside to get a better look I realized that she had the rope toy attached to her ass, with big hunks of pooh attached.

I promptly threw up in my mouth.

The poor dog was so uncomfortable she was running in circles around the yard periodically looking at her butt and grunting. Squat, look, grunt, run. Squat, look, grunt, run.

I went inside to grab some paper towels, figuring I could grab it off her butt and she’d be fine.

I chased her around the yard until she finally gave up and came over to me. I spun her around, lifted her tail and grabbed the rope/pooh combo with the paper towels. I though the damn thing was just sort of glued to her hair. Nope. When I pulled, I pulled more out of her ass. It was like when you pull the plug out of the drain. There was like a pop, a gurgly noise, and a whoosh. Then the biggest juiciest dog fart you’ve ever heard. Another 3 inches of rope and pooh came out.

The poor dog yelped, and spun and looked at me with such embarrassment. I felt bad for her, but it clearly needed to be done.

For a split second I thought about taking her to the vet to make sure it was all out, but I realized the rope toy was all there. Whole. The rope was shredded so the whole thing looked like the fringe on the end, it was all unknotted but it was all there.

After she got over the humiliation of me pulling toys out of her ass, she followed me over to the trash cans trying to grab the pooh toy out of my hand so she could go play with it again.

Sigh. So pretty yet so dumb.

Hopefully, it’s just a craptacular ending to 2008 and not a sign of how 2009 will be.

(PS: she’s fine)


20 Responses

  1. Oh. Mah. Gah. Gaaaaaag. (What is it with our pets and their orifices tonight?)

    Once, I had to pull a long strand of my own hair out of Moses’s butt. (WHY IS HE EATING MY HAIR?) But I’m sorry: This beats that HANDS DOWN.

    She is pretty though. So pretty. So we will overlook this.

    (CRAP OUT A TIRE. *snort*)

  2. You had to pull YOUR hair out of Moses’ butt? I’m not sure that isn’t just as gross!

    It’s a good thing Gracie has that dog show career to fall back on because she’s no Rhodes Scholar.

  3. Thanks for the dual laugh/gag this morning! I had to do that once but it was…ahem…not for an animal…never mind…TMI.

  4. Oh, poor Gracie. She really is blonde, isn’t she?

    As my mother told my niece when she was all of 3 years old and had pulled yet another blonde stunt, “Honey, you can work the blonde without embracing it quite so much.”

  5. Eve: Hamsters?! *snort*

    Debra: You just gave me my mantra for 2009: I will work the blonde without embracing it so much! Words to live by.

  6. I tend to suppress any memory of these moments with my cats.

    I’m just glad you didn’t use the term ‘dingle-berry.’ I don’t know why it bothers me so much—perhaps it’s the attempt to cute up something decidedly not-cute—but, yeesh.

    Glad to hear the pup’s okay.

  7. Oh my…so retarded. Reminds me of the time I had to pull a big long hair elastic out of my cat’s ass. Then the vet told me I shouldn’t have done that because it could have been tangled in his intestines and I could have damaged them. Next time he said, just cut the elastic close to the cat’s ass and wait for the rest to get pooped out. Animals. Sometimes so damn clever, sometimes not so much. Glad Gracie’s okay.

  8. I’m dying of laughter over here! I have so been there. My girl, Hannah, once pooped out a battery. It came out of our clock radio, and we needed it, so my husband cleaned the battery off and put it back in. And it worked!

  9. My first time here, and I get a story about a rope being hauled out of a dog’s ass.

    … I am so coming back!

  10. too funny…I am just hoping that 2009 is better than 2008!

  11. […] anything toxic to dogs. And Gracie has proven that she’s part billy goat, having eaten her rope toy as well as a leash (when she was about 6 months old she ate an entire nylon leash—minus the […]

  12. […] anything toxic to dogs. And Gracie has proven that she’s part billy goat, having eaten her rope toy as well as a leash (when she was about 6 months old she ate an entire nylon leash—minus the […]

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