Funkadelic (aka the weirdest, vaguest post I’ve ever written)

I’m a little funkadelic these days. And not in the totally awesome get down with your bad self George Clinton kind of way (someone please tell me you get that reference).

It’s more of a I Need To Make a Big Change And It’s Freaking Me Out To The Point Of Nearly Being Paralyzed kind of way. I’m overwhelmed with the thought of it all. Before anyone freaks out—assuming you’re still coming here because this blog sucks a big pile of crap at the moment (*crickets*)—it has nothing to with my marriage (thank GOD for Bill right now, FYI) or friendships (and thank GOD for Lesley) or any of that stuff. I’m not going through a mid-life crisis and I’m not moving (hopefully, that covers all the possible scenarios).

I have decided that I need to take control of a few things in my life. And when I make up my mind about something I just want to DO IT. I’m impatient as hell. I want what I want when I want it. And I usually want it NOW if not sooner! My impatience practically vibrates through my body, pulses through my blood and buzzes in my head. It’s why I can’t sleep, it’s why my shoulders are shoved up so high they live against my ears, giving me excruciating headaches. It’s why I barely have the focus to even read through a short article on TMZ, why I can’t quiet my head. And, obviously, why I can’t write a blog post.

I know this post is obnoxiously vague and I hate it when other people do this, so I apologize. Hopefully, I’ll be able to tell you more about this soon.

Happy Martini Day *hiccup*

Chill those glasses, stuff those olives and shake (or stir) that vodka because today is National Martini Day, boys and girls! And you know—there are few things we like better around here in the Land of Snark than a perfectly chilled martini.

The classic martini consists of gin and dry vermouth, but James Bond substituted vodka in his—“Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.” Personally, I’m a vodka girl. Specifically Belvedere. As far as shaking vs. stirring? “Shaking cools a drink more quickly producing a chilly fog (by creating tiny bubbles) and creating a slightly different taste, but dilutes the drink more than stirring does” (so says Google). I shake.

I used to be an apple martini girl…

The Apple Martini

…and once in a while I’ll have a chocolate martini…

Vodka and Chocolate. Two great tastes that taste great together.

…but then I was introduced to dirty martinis and never looked back.

Olives, a twist or cocktail onions are all acceptable garnishes. My personal favorite is a dirty martini with three olives.

Dirty Girl Martini

6 parts vodka

2 parts dry vermouth (I prefer actually rinsing vermouth in glass and dumping it out)

1 part olive brine (or my personal favorite Dirty Sue)

Cocktail olives

Combine liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake well. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with olives.

Dirty martinis are fun to share with friends, too…

Lesley and I have a long history of drinking martinis together...

So mix up a batch, grab your friends and loved ones, make a toast and drink up!

Cheers!

PS: Some sources claim National Martini Day is today; others say tomorrow. I think it should be both. In fact, it should be a four-day weekend.

PSS: No alcoholics or martini glasses were harmed in the making of this post.

Would You Like Fries With Your Crow?

I have to eat some crow this morning. Yesterday, I wrote a post that hurt a good friend of mine. And that was the complete opposite of what my intentions were.

We are in the middle of a renovation at home. It’s total chaos. I spend my days and nights moving the shit in our house from one side to the other and back again. This week it’s for the painters. Last week it was for the dry wall guy, before that, it was to have the asbestos crap scraped off our ceilings. I’ve had to start emptying our kitchen cabinets because we’re having some new cabinets put in and others refaced.

So WTF does this have to do with my post yesterday? Bear with me here.

I don’t do well with chaos. I like neat and orderly. It’s the Virgo in me. I drive Bill nuts because I’ll do things like vacuum the house at 11:00 p.m. So the chaos at home is throwing me off. There’s also a lot going on in other areas of my life and it’s causing some chaos in my brain. Like my home, I’m moving crap back and forth in my brain. There’s a lot of junk rattling around up there and I’m analyzing everything, wondering if I put it in the Keep, Throw Out or Donate pile. In other words, I’m over-thinking everything. And it’s distracting me. It’s distracting me at work, with friends and with my husband. Last weekend I wrote about being restless and I’m sure this is what’s causing it. I can’t focus on any one thing for long—the thoughts in my head are all jumping up and down demanding immediate attention.

I’m still getting to my point…

Yesterday, as I was finishing my post on friendship, I was in a very involved conversation with my friend about everything from a situation that’s occurring at my old job (her current place of employment), to depression, to dealing with problems (or not), to friendship. All those topics were tied together. It was—I thought—I good conversation. One that I was fully engaged in.

However, near the end of the conversation, as I was about to read my post one last time and publish it, I accidentally deleted it. I scrambled to recover what I could and to finish writing while I had it fresh in my mind. But once again, I was sidetracked—with her and with the post. I never really fleshed the thought I was trying to convey and it fell flat. Worse, I sort of threw in as an afterthought that while I was writing this great big ode to friendship my “real life” friend was disappointed in me because she didn’t feel as though I was engaged. And then I hit “publish.”

Personally, I did find it ironic and a little funny. Not at her expense. At my own. I’m clearly not seen by others as I feel I portray myself. In other words, here I am patting myself on the back for being  a good friend, for opening myself up to new friendships, when in reality, I’m really not behaving as a good friend would.

And then I joke about it.

Which is what I do when I’m uncomfortable dealing with the issue at hand. I wield my humor, my sarcasm, my SNARK, as my armor. I use it to protect myself when I’m not quite ready or unable to deal with the serious issues in front of me. But what to me is protection, comes across as cold and unfeeling to others. It shuts people out.

My friendships—in real life or in cyberspace—are important to me. They tether me to this earth. They keep me grounded. I would never hurt those intentionally.

So I apologize to her. I apologize for making it appear that I wasn’t listening, for making it seem as though I wasn’t giving her my full attention. For joking about the situation online (this is when I’m happy I only have 3 readers!) She was actually reaching out to me for something. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t trying to do shut her out or shut her down. All that matters is that she feels that’s what happened.

I’m sorry.

Now I’m going to slather my crow with mayo and mustard so I can choke it down! (We’re not even going to touch on how hard apologies are for me!)

Horror-Scope (aka, the lamest post EVER!)

I like to read my horoscope periodically. There’s one website in particular, “Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone,” that I’ll read at the beginning of every month. She offers a great deal of insight into the upcoming month, and her predictions or whatever you want to call them are usually right on. I don’t live and die by this stuff (although I do have a Virgo symbol tattooed on my shoulder), but I’m always intrigued by how often she is right on target. So it freaks me out when I read things like the following:

You seem especially somber about life in general and may also be concerned about a man in your life or other setback: September 3.

—Or—

Something seems to be festering, however, and when an unexpected comment or situation arises on Friday, September 12, you’ll find yourself in the middle of a crisis. By the full moon in Pisces, September 15 (operative for four days), you will have to decide quickly whether to separate temporarily, fix things for the future, or end things without looking back. Truly, this will be a defining moment. To make matters more complicated, not only is a partner involved with the situation, but also so is a friend.

—Or—

Brace for difficult, unexpected news in regard to a close relationship: September 12 and near the full moon, September 15.”

What the hell does all this mean?

What’s disturbing to me is the fact, that yesterday, September 3, to say I was “somber” would have been an understatement. There are definitely some setbacks that I’m fighting, and some days it’s just a struggle to get by. And make no mistake, I definitely feel like I’m just getting by.

So you can imagine, the last thing I need is to find myself “in the middle of a crisis” with something “festering.” And I sure as shit can’t deal with any “unexpected news” especially if it’s in regard to a “close relationship.”

I’m exhausted—physically and mentally. There’s so much going on that I won’t discuss here — I have draw the line with certain topics — and it just grinds on me. I’m not making any headway on certain things and I’m at a loss. I have never felt as unbalanced (not mentally, although Lesley might debate that) as I do now. I can not get out of my head and I’m becoming my own worst enemy.

I’m such a control freak and I can’t just let things happen. It’s not in my nature to go with the flow. I need to orchestrate. I need to plan. I need to think things through 35 steps ahead, which of course, bogs me so far down in the details, the minutia, that I can’t see what’s directly in front of me. I’m obsessed. Preoccupied. Consumed. Fixated. And it’s fucking me up. I have been trying to hold it together the past few days with duct tape and super glue, and I can’t even stand myself anymore.

Of course, if I had a positive, happy, life rocks kind of horoscope, I probably wouldn’t be doing so much deep (um, yeah, deep as a shallow puddle) introspection. What came first: The horoscope or the meltdown?!

I know this post doesn’t make any sense. But I had to just throw a few thoughts out into the blogoverse so I can start processing some things.