Anyone else notice a trend in my tweets?

Apparently, there’s a whole lot of sucking going on….

Crap I Shouldn’t Care About But Totally Do

There’s a lot going on in the world. We’re going through the confirmation process for a new Supreme Court judge. A Hispanic female no less. There are two female American journalists imprisoned in a hard-labor camp in North Korea. The war in Iraq is still going, unemployment is at an all-time high (and President Obama announced yesterday that it will continue to go up), the stock market is still in flux and there have been 1,000 killings so far this year in the Mexican border town Ciudad Juarez.

These are all important events and I do care about them. But there are other things I care deeply about, too. I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help myself.

So here’s my list of crap in no particular order that I shouldn’t care about but totally do:

1. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Apparently they’ve broken up. The day before her 29th birthday. Which is rude. But not the first time she’s been dumped right before or on her birthday. Didn’t John Mayer do the same thing to her? I guess it’s clear that she chooses selfish men who can’t hang in there a day or two before cutting all ties. But what’s more interesting to me is that she had a Barbie & Ken–themed birthday party planned for herself before the breakup. Barbie and Ken? That’s an awful lot of pressure to live up to.

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo in happier times

2. Jon Gosselin. He’s clearly going through some midlife crisis. But after being married to Kate, he’s obviously choosing really young (and fairly stupid girls—I deliberately didn’t say “women”) to date because he can be The Man in the relationship. They’re young, impressionable and easily wowed by a guy like that. A guy who basically walked away from his family so he could party.

I love the fact that his 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman is upset because she’s been the victim of bad press.What did she expect. She’s basically a child dating a man who’s going through a very public divorce. He has eight kids. Eight. She’s not remotely equipped to handle that. If I were Kate Gosselin there would be no fucking way I’d let that chick, who was arrested for drug possession and has been photographed drunk off her ass—in fact, photographed ass up in a potted plant—near those kids. “U.S. press is all over stories about her being some slutty party girl with a history of arrests,” a source tells Us Magazine of Hailey. “She was upset tonight.” Seriously?

Plus, as bitchy and domineering as Kate was, I’m starting to think there was a reason for that. She had nine kids—not eight.

A douche on the loose

3. The Real Housewives. So Hot-lanta is gearing up to start season 2 this month, and there’s all kinds of drama over the New York cast holding out for more money. And they’ve introduced the new Housewife in the O.C. Plus? They’re casting in D.C. and Las Vegas? Ohmygawd, I’ve died and gone to heaven.

Yo! Atlanta in the house!

4. Michael Jackson’s Daughter. After seeing her at her father’s memorial service, I have the feeling we haven’t seen the last of her. She seems extremely precocious and definitely isn’t afraid of the camera. Her comments about loving her dad and him being the best father ever were heart-breaking and genuine. But when she was sitting in the front row during the service, she seemed to like the camera and she was totally into performing  when they were onstage singing “We Are the World.” It may not be a bad thing but I hope to God she doesn’t get sucked into the same machine that chewed up Michael Jackson and spit him out. I hope whoever ends up with custody keeps her safe, protected and away from the spotlight as long as possible.

5. Bridget Jones. There’s going to be a third movie? This one is going to be about her trying to have a baby. If it’s half as good as the first one, I’m so in.

Diary of Bridget Jones

6. Bret Michaels. Will there be another Rock of Love? I hope so. Mostly because it’s good entertainment but also because I can’t believe he’d end up with that skank Taya.

More Rock of Love, please

A Few Things I Can’t Live Without. Seriously.

There are a couple of things I can’t live without. Well, I could, but I’d prefer not to. They aren’t over-the-top indulgences and these aren’t products that I’ve been asked to write about (because, you know, this blog is so big time that advertisers are clamoring for my opinion, yo). They’re just simple things that make me look and feel better.

Neutrogena Body Oil (Light Sesame Formula)

This is one of my favorite body products…ever. About 10 years ago I started using this in the summer to try and prevent my skin from looking like a handbag after being in the sun. Plus, it gave my skin a nice healthy glow. Now I use it year-round because it keeps my skin all moist and soft. I slather it on after my shower in the morning and it stops the alligator skin from happening. It’s not super greasy either so you don’t feel like you bathed in an oil slick after you put it on. (About $10, but almost lasts a year.)

Smooth like buttah

St. Ives Intensive Healing Advanced Therapy Lotion

I am a lotion junkie. I put it on my hands and feet in the morning, when I go to bed at night (and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and slather some on), and I keep some at my desk so I can put it on during the day. It’s rich and feels kind of silky. And it’s fragrance-free so you don’t smell like someone’s grandmother. My hands and feet tend to get kind of dry, and this stuff rocks. (And, yes, I use this with the Neutrogena.) Target usually has it on sale for about $4.

So soft...

L’Oreal Extra Volume Collagen Mascara

I am embarrassed to admit it, but I rarely leave the house without a stitch of makeup. I’m shallow like that. At the very least I’ll swipe on some mascara just to make my eyes look a little more open. I don’t really need length or volume (surprising because my lashes were so long as a kid that I cut them much to my mom’s horror!), but this is the only mascara (about $8 at most drugstores) I ever bought that goes on easily without any clumping or flaking. Just a few swipes and I look doe-eyed (or at least awake). Unlike some other mascaras I’ve tried, it looks pretty natural.

The brush is twice as thick as most mascaras

Starbucks Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte I hit Starbucks every morning (at least during the week) for this. It’s non-fat milk and sugar-free vanilla so you don’t go cross-eyed from too much sweet and sugar. If I’m really having a rough day, I’ll add another shot to kick the adrenaline into overdrive. Priceless.

And they even spelled my name right

Now if you have a good anti-aging cream, let me know. I’m still on the quest for a good one.

Really?

I just went to type “Google” into my address bar and accidentally dropped the “l”. Instead of Google, I got the Urban Dictionary with this entry:

There’s really not much more I can add to this.

You Know You Watch Too Much Reality TV When…

I watch a lot of reality TV. A lot. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not entirely embarrassed about it either. I work hard and every night sometimes I need to flop in front of the boob tube and watch some truly spectacular crap. I’m not stupid, I’m not vapid, I’m not shallow, and it’s not like this is all I watch (and, yes, I do read) but, to me, reality TV is like a good cocktail on a Friday night. It goes down smoothly and it takes the edge off.

But I AM starting to realize that maybe I’m watching too much of this stuff and I need a reality check. When I scan through my list of recorded shows, it looks something like this:

• The Amazing Race. This actually doesn’t qualify for crappy reality TV. I love this show. And I’m determined to get on it with Bill. With my brains and his beauty, we could totally win!

• Rock of Love Bus. I’ve chronicled my love for this show on my blog before, but really, it bears repeating. Bret Michaels and his mid-life crisis rock. Yes, the chicks are skanky and not so bright, and they frequently get stinking drunk, but for some reason it’s my crack. I need my fix every Sunday morning.

• Celebrity Rehab 1&2/Sober House: It’s basically like Celebrity Intervention. Dr. Drew gets a lot of crap for selling out but there is some good advice in there and he doesn’t make it pretty or tie things up in a neat package.

• The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/Atlanta. They’re casting for a Las Vegas version. You know these women are gonna be more gaudy awesome than the Atlanta Housewives.

• The Girls Next Door: Holly, Kendra and Bridget have all left Hef, and I actually shed a tear. Hef suddenly looked old without the girls. It won’t be the same with the new twins (nope, not a euphemism).

• Ru Paul’s Drag Race: Ru is more fierce than Heidi Klum any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

• Dancing With The Stars: It’s back! And it’s got Steve-O, Little Kim, the Naked Guy from the Sex & The City movie, and the usual selection of football players, Olympic athletes and Z-List “stars” (that’s you, Denise Richards).

• Top Chef: It’s got drama, knives, good food and snarky judges.

• American Idol: I tried to stay with it this season, but I decided to break up with it a couple of weeks ago. I just can’t do it. It does nothing for me. Delete.

You know it’s bad when your reality show collide. Holly Madison and the dumped chick from The Bachelor on DWTS? Is this show becoming the consolation prize for reality stars?

This list, by the way, doesn’t even cover the real TV I watch. Seeing it in print is a little scary. Acknowledgement is the first step, right?

5 Ways To Annoy Me

1. Push your way into the elevator before letting me out of it first.

2. Speed through the parking lot and honk at me when I’m trying to back out. It’s a P-A-R-K-I-N-G lot. Not a speedway. Slow the fuck down.

3. Give me attitude when YOU’RE the one who screwed up.

4. Tell me you’re out of Sugar-Free Vanilla Syrup. (This is directed a you, Starbucks.)

5. Be so shrill that you’re the ONLY thing I hear in a loud restaurant—and you’re across the room.

UPDATED: #6. Someone calling over and over while I’m trying to relax in the tub. (Oddly, it’s the RNC for my husband.)

Can You Help A Blocked Blogger Out?

Posting has been a little light around here lately. I think I’m suffering from a substantial case of writer’s block. I hope it’s acute and not chronic, but it’s definitely put a cramp in my blog style.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve started at least a half-dozen posts but end up just saving them in my drafts folder. When I read back what I’ve managed to type out, I’m not sure any of it will see the light of day. I’ve deleted a few; edited others, but nothing is moving me to hit “Publish.”

It’s not like I don’t have anything to say. I’ve got plenty on my mind. But I just can’t seem to organize the words into coherent–and complete—thoughts.

It’s a sad state of affairs over here in Snarkville.

So I need your help. I’m going to be a little lazy and ask for some suggestions. Will you throw some random topics my way to get me writing? Or ask me a question. I need an “assignment” to get me rolling again.

Pretty please?

Wordless Wednesday

What are YOU lookin' at?

In This Post You’ll Learn My Porn Name (But Not Much Else)

I just borrowed this meme from LVGurl because I can’t think of anything to write today and I’m hoping this will generate something. Generate, what I don’t know, but it kind of made me laugh and I need a laugh today because I’m cranky. Like really cranky. Like cranky enough to consider ordering a whole cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory then snarfing it down so fast I’ll want to puke. That kind of cranky.

Apparently, all of my alter-egos have sort of an African-American/Latina flair.

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):

Marie Joseph (Sounds very demure and sweet)

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad):

John Walter (Not all that white trash, is it?)

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name):

Famaur (pronounced Fah-more)

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):

Black Samoyed (Kinda funny/ironic since Samoyeds are white)

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live):

Meyers Valencia (technically, I suppose it would be Joan Valencia since my middle name was Joan before I legally made my maiden name my middle name but this sounds cooler. Follow all that?)

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning):

Red The Dirty Martini (LOVE this. I think I should print T-shirts).

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name):

Mafa (pronounced Mah-Fah. Which really should be MoFo)

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):

Chocolate Chocolate Chip (which is kinda funny because I’m the whitest white girl I know, yo)

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name):

Gracie Alejandro

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on):

Jet San Sebastian (this is actually pretty awesome)